Why do good people leave?

Too many demands. Unending expectations.

Insufficient appreciation and feeling unseen except as it relates to output. These are the common complaints of people who make the tough, but often necessary decision to leave partnerships, relationships, jobs or situations that no longer serve their best interests or growth. This is not limited to employees but applies to every type of relationship including the overworked and undervalued wife and mother, and the one-sided friendships or business partnerships.

Relationships have become too transactional. We see people for what they can give us rather than for who they are. We learn to show our value by “doing” rather than by “being”, afraid that if we are too much, or not enough, we won’t be loved or chosen.

So, we adjust to suit and “perform” as necessary.

This tendency is often learned from a young age.

It’s seen in the child who is praised for being self-sufficient and not asking for much. The one who is called “mummy’s little helper”, “mature for her age” and “the more reliable child”.

Often unintentionally, this child gets the least amount of attention because he or she doesn’t demand much. The parent regularly asks that child to do more chores and errands because the child is responsible and reliable. The child learns on a subconscious level that receiving love is tied to how much they can give and how little they demand.

The child ties his value to self-sacrifice, constantly placing the needs of others over his.

This child grows into an adult and worker who continues to display these traits. He or she can be very driven, a high achiever and always willing to do and give more to others, losing touch with themselves and their own needs and desires in the process. Many wear self-sacrifice as a badge of honour without realising it is really just a form of self-abandonment.

We see it in the mother and wife who constantly puts herself last for the sake of her husband and children. We see it in the husband who works tirelessly to financially provide for his family sometimes at great sacrifice to his own health and well-being. But, self-abandonment often leads to frustration, resentment and quiet quitting.

More responsibility

In the workplace, we see it in the employee who works long hours, meets every deadline and rarely complains. The tasks of the underperforming employee are given to her because she is dependable, flexible and always puts the needs of the business first, even at great personal sacrifice. All superiors speak highly of her. In return, she is rewarded with more responsibility, more status, more demands and sometimes more pay.

When the employee tries to take vacation or sick leave she is met with comments like, “we can’t do this without you”, or “can you do this one small thing” subtly guilting the employee to delay time off, or to work during sick leave and vacation.

Over time, the employee becomes conscious that management’s praise is tied to her willingness to put herself last. The employee’s requests are minimised or dismissed with phrases like “don’t worry this won’t take long” – and yet, it always does – and “what’s one more hour? Your child will be glad you eventually made it.”

Feeling like a hamster on a wheel and struggling to find a way off, the employee eventually loses steam and motivation. The employee longs for a space where his needs and his output can mutually coexist without one always needing to be sacrificed for the other. Where his years of dedication and sacrifice result in the company valuing and prioritising his own well-being and requests.

Without these things, good employees often leave.

Similarly, the imbalance of these things in romantic partnerships and friendships, can cause them to fail.

Instead of waiting until a good employee or person leaves, let us regularly assess our practices and demands to see if they are reasonable, and consider whether additional steps should be taken to ensure we don’t lose people we value.

Michelle M. Russell is an attorney with a passion for employment law and mental health.

Email: mrussell.ja@icloud.com