Another year around the sun

In the weeks leading to my birthday, I questioned whether I would celebrate it. The days closer to my ‘special day” felt like chaos. There was not one area of my life that was unaffected and I was wondering if Murphy’s Law was using me as a test subject to prove a point! I told a friend that life was not just testing my resilience, it was testing my sanity.

Things were happening faster than I could process and I found myself becoming hypervigilant, constantly scanning for new threats. I was literally in survival mode, moving between fight, flight or sometimes the freeze response and living on a steady diet of ashwagandha gummies and the occasional glass of wine to calm my anxiety.

But during this time, I noticed an incredible shift within myself. I was overwhelmed, but not forlorn.

I felt battered but not defeated. In the midst of the terrible, I experienced some beautiful moments that were nothing short of divine. Some felt like real-life miracles! I remember one morning agonising over whether I should contact a particular gentleman to assist on a legal matter. Two hours later, he appeared in front of me out of the blue! I had not seen or contacted him since last July. He literally arrived in the nick of time!

I also noticed a change in the stories I was telling myself about these life-altering events. When I caught myself saying “my life is falling apart”, I immediately responded, “no Michelle, your life is falling into place”. I was not just saying this to soothe my sadness, I truly believed it. I have long held dearly a quote which says: “Everything that is not working out for me, is part of everything that is working out for me”. This has proven true on so many occasions. I have learned to trust that everything, no matter how painful or undesirable, is part of a bigger picture geared towards my growth, alignment or as saving me from something that doesn’t, or no longer serves my best interests.

Challenging events

So, while my heart was broken, my body was ill and home no longer felt peaceful, and even with the imminent death of a loved one, I allowed myself to feel all the feelings associated with these negative events while not becoming distraught by them. They were valid feelings associated with challenging events. It was ok to be sad or overwhelmed. Society tells us to pretend and hide or numb our pain. But doing so keeps us stuck, (even subconsciously) in the place of grief, because we never allowed ourselves to feel or expel the emotions or their depth.

So, they remain stuck in our bodies and we end up acting them out in varying ways: increased anxiety, hypervigilance, addictive behaviours, numbing, sleeplessness, short temperedness, or even isolation which can have negative consequences on our bodies, our work and our relationships. There is a quote that says, “until we make the unconscious conscious, it will continue to rule our lives and we will call it fate”. Another says, “whatever we avoid, controls us”.

Love and laughter

So, I faced all the pain intermingled with moments of laughter and support. I had shoulders to cry on and people whose hugs soothed my fears.

I cherish every moment I have left with my ailing loved one, instead of being overcome with the fear of loss.

So, did I celebrate my birthday? I certainly did. In small meaningful ways, filled with love and laughter that soothed my ailing heart. Year 44 was rough but I grew so much and I didn’t realise it until the intensity of the last few weeks. I am a different woman. I am learning interdependence and trust.

I can face hard moments with more surrender and openness. I can feel my feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them. I experience more joy and gratitude regardless of what is happening and I allow my light to shine, knowing it’s the thing that anchors my soul. Here’s to year 45!

Michelle M. Russell is an attorney with a passion for employment law and mental health.

Email: mrussell.ja@icloud.com